全国免费咨询电话:400-6767-050 免费留学评估表 收藏114留学网
留学首页 | 留学预科 | 留学动态 | 美国留学预科 | 英国留学预科 | 北京留学预科 | 出国必读 | 留学政策 | 留学生活 | 热门专业 | 海外精彩 | 海外名校 | 带薪实习
 
 
您现在的位置: 留学预科网 >> 美国留学 >> 美国DIY >> 写作 >> 正文

美国本科留学申请Essay范文赏析 四

转摘:出国留学网    点击数:    更新时间:2011-10-8

  I guess it was inevitable that I’d be on hockey skates at some point in my life, but I did not expect that I’d become one of a rare group of female ice hockey officials before I even reached high school.



I guess it was inevitable that I’d be on hockey skates at some point in my life, but I did not expect that I’d become one of a rare group of female ice hockey officials before I even reached high school.  Being born into a family of hockey players and figure skaters, it seemed that my destiny had already been decided. 

 

Right from the beginning, my two older brothers and my father strapped me up and threw me onto the ice.  I loved it and, in my mind, I was on my way to becoming a female Gretzky!  But my mom had to think of something fast to drag her little girl away from this sport of ruffians.  Enter my first hot pink figure skating dress!  That was all it took to launch fifteen  years of competitive figure skating.  Even though figure skating soon became my passion, I always had an unsatisfied yearning for ice hockey.  It took a great deal of convincing from my parents that competitive figure skating and ice hockey didn’t mix.

 

My compromise became refereeing ice hockey; little did I know that I was beginning an activity that would influence my character and who I am today.  When I began, I would only work with my dad and brothers.  Everyone was friendly and accepting because I had just started.  I soon realized though that to get better I needed to start refereeing with people I wasn’t related to, and that’s when my experience drastically changed.  An apologetic smile and an “I’m sorry” wasn’t going to get me through games now.  As I began officiating higher-level games and dealing with more arrogant coaches, I suddenly entered a new male-dominated world, a world I had never experienced before.  My confidence was shot, and all I wanted to do was get through each game and be able to leave.   Sometimes I was even too scared to skate along the teams’ benches because I would get upset by what the coaches would yell to me.  “Do you have a hot date tonight, ref?” was a typical comment that coaches would spit at me during the course of a game.  In their eyes, I did not belong on that ice, and they were going to do whatever they could do to make sure no women wanted to officiate their games.  I was determined not to let them chase me off the ice.

 

I made the decision to stand up for myself. I never responded rudely to the coaches, but I did not let them walk all over me and destroy my confidence anymore. I started to act and feel more like the 4-year certified Atlantic District Official that I am. There were still a few situations that scared me. One time I called a penalty in a championship game during the third overtime and the team I penalized ended up losing because they got scored on. I knew I had made the right call, even though I was unnerved when I saw the losing teams’ parents waiting for me at my locker room; for the moment I wished I hadn’t called that penalty. Although it was scary at the time, I stood  my ground and overcame my fears. That was an important stepping-stone in my officiating career and in my life.

 

After four years of refereeing, I still can’t say it’s easy. Every game hands me something new and I never know what to expect. Now I have the confidence and preparation to deal with the unexpected, on and off the ice. I now also know to take everything with a grain of salt and not let it get to me. I have learned that life is just like being out on the ice; if I am prepared and act with confidence, I will be perceived as confident. These are the little lessons that I’m grateful to have learned as a woman referee.

 

Things to Notice About This Essay 中文点评
 
1.  The author tells an interesting story about her experiences as a referee.
2.  A sense of her personality—determination, flexibility, good humor—comes through in the narration.
3.  Details like “Do you have a hot date tonight, ref?” make the narration memorable (we’d love to hear more of these kinds of details).
4.  The essay needs a faster start. The first paragraph (three sentences) says the same thing in both the first and third sentences—and gives away the essay’s surprise in the second! A good revision would delete all of paragraph one and start at paragraph two.
5.  There’s too much frame here and not enough picture. The essay needs further development, especially about the difficulties of becoming and being a ref, to keep it vivid.
6.  The author should “dwell” in the meaning of the experience a little more at the end—“I wonder about…I also think…Sometimes I believe….” Significant experiences like this one, woven through many years of the author’s life, don’t mean just one thing—there are more insights and lessons to explore here.

本文章关键词:美国留学 出国留学 美国留学预科

留学114为您提供更多出国留学,国内留学预科更多信息www.liuxue114.com


上一篇: 美国大学本科申请Essay范文赏析 三
Undergraduate College Application Essay Sample From the time I was able to realize what a university was, all I heard from my mother’s side of the family was about the University of Michigan and the …

下一篇:美国大学本科申请Essay范文赏析 五
It has come to my attention that our nations, and nations like ours, have long been plagued by a mysterious occurrence. An occurrence that is as perplexing as it is frustrating, and as baffling as it …
 

① 凡本网注明稿件来源为"原创"的所有文字、图片和音视频稿件,版权均属本网所有。任何媒体、网站或个人转载、链接转贴或以其他方式复制发表时必须注明"稿件来源:114留学网",违者本网将依法追究责任;

② 本网部分稿件来源于网络,任何单位或个人认为114留学网发布的内容可能涉嫌侵犯其合法权益,应该及时向114留学网书面反馈,并提供身份证明、权属证明及详细侵权情况证明,114留学网在收到上述法律文件后,将会尽快移除被控侵权内容。

美国留学八大优势吸引中国学生

美国世界最大移民大国,教育质量世界一流,美国有利的打工政策,去美国留学途径有美国留学预科,还有直留学本科都是不错的选择。
英国作为世界教育水平领先的国家之一,一直是学生们理想的留学目的地,尤其是其一年制的授课式硕士课程,更尤其是那些热门专业。热门专业之一的会…
年初,英国政府宣布提高了国际学生赴英留学的语言门槛,这一政策的发布是英国政府针对这些年来大量涌入英国留学的国际学生,尤其是人数居首位的中…
 
出国留学工具箱
 
 
 
相关留学新闻
 
友情链接
美国留学导航
美国留学动态
美国留学讲座
美国奖学金
美国留学常见问题
留学美国专业选择
美国留学视频
留学美国故事
美国院校排名
美国留学政策
特色专业推荐
美国留学费用
美国行前须知
美国出国考试
美国院校推荐
美国留学规划
美国留学预科
美国留学预科动态 | 2011美国留学预科招生 | 美国预科申请
美国读高中
美国高中留学动态 | 美国私立高中简介 | 美国公立高中简介 | 美国高中入学条件 | 美国高中排名 | 美国高中生活 | 美国高中申请 | 美国高中费用
美国读大学
美国综合大学 | 美国文理学院 | 本科转学 | 双录取 | 社区学院 | 美国大学入学条件 | 美国大学入学申请 | 美国大学排名 | 美国大学学费
美国读硕士
美国读硕动态 | 研究生院校 | 美国硕士招生 | 美国硕士入学条件 | 美国硕士申请 | 方案推荐 | 美国研究生费用
美国签证
美国签证动态 | 签证百科 | 办理流程 | 护照办理 | 美国拒签区 | 美国商务签证 | 美国签证经验 | 美国签证技巧 | 美国签证材料
美国移民
美国移民动态 | 移民政策 | 移民百科 | 移民经典案例 | 移民项目
走进美国
美国地理环境 | 人文习俗 | 教育文化 | 美国历史
美国海外生活
美国留学实录 | 美国生活宝典 | 美国金融服务 | 美国医疗保险
美国就业宝典
美国就业动态 | 美国求职面试 | 美国找工手册 | 美国留学回国就业
美国留学中介
美国留学条件
美国DIY
DIY指南 | 留学费用 | 考试准备 | 网申纸申 | 套磁 | 面试 | 文书 | 写作 | DIY选校 | 热门专业 | 院校排名 | DIY本科 | DIY硕士 | PHD | MBA | DIY奖学金 | 转学申请 | 留学签证 | 行前准备
招生信息

留学首页关于我们广告服务联系我们商务合作网站地图

Copyright @ 2005-2013 WWW.LIUXUE114.COM All Rights Reserved.

客服热线:400-6767-050 010-59795021 项目合作:13552002836

114留学网 版权所有 京ICP备09067369号

北京市公安局海淀分局备案编号:1101085028